Tag Archives: Owen Harper

Doctor Who Story xx – Torchwood series 2

Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang

I’ve gotta say, the old lady saying “Bloody Torchwood,” might be my favourite part of the series.

SPIKE!

He breezed into that bar.

Gwen needs to tell Jack that he needs to be honest with her if she’s ever going to trust him again.

Oh fuck you, Jack! Stop telling people that your history doesn’t matter.

The stupid western vibe is ridiculous, but I enjoy it.

Glad Doctor Who has some good make-outs, thanks to Torchwood.

Oh, Ianto is having none of Jack’s bullshit. Maybe not, he did accept his date.

Aww, he killed Jack. :(

Is it good to throw a bomb into the rift? Could that not cause other problems?

“No hard feelings, well, not in that sense.” Who writes this shit?

Sleeper

Stop saying “the doctor” when you don’t mean “the Doctor.”

Owen’s an asshole.

You should not be casual about a hospital losing power.

“I know who she is and why she’s here.” Maybe you should fill your team in.

Why is Owen tending to his plants during a company meeting?

Just leaving her baby and letting it roll into traffic.

To The Last Man

Once again, Tosh comes across as a creepy lady.

The lady who saw Gwen in the hospital is great.

How old is Tosh if a 24 year old is too young for her?

Ianto and Jack making out!

Season 2 is a definitely drop in quality.

Meat

Oh, Rhys, such a lad.

Now I feel sad for Rhys.

Jack, she’s your underling. Don’t talk to alien blowjobs.

Yeah, show Rhys everything and show him how bad you are at health standards.

Tosh needs to move on from Owen.

“Team meeting,” he proclaims while they’re in the middle of a team meeting.

This episode reminds me of the horse meat episode of Due South.

Adam

It’s a Torchwood episode about me.

Well, that’s a creepy memory to implant and make Tosh snog him.

Somehow he’s changed Owen’s personality 100%.

Don’t date someone in Torchwood.

Owen is a nerd!

Poor Ianto.

“No pride. No warmth.” Jack, do you feel that for Tosh?

Reset

Stop, Martha Time!

That first person POV, ugh.

Martha is working with UNIT, apparently.

I’d so much rather they keep Martha than Owen.

This is a really bad episode.

“What’s his dabbling like?” “Innovative. Bordering on avant-garde.”

Those security guards are bad at their jobs.

I wouldn’t trust Owen with that.

Oh Jack, you asshole, you’re keeping Weavels captive and using them to torture human prisoners to get information.

Now if only they’d keep Owen dead…

Dead Man Walking

What the hell is with that child tarot card reader?

So there are a lot more weavels than we thought and they are just hanging out in Cardiff? So why do they trap some?

This is so bad.

Do they just visit every weavel from after they arrive in Cardiff and give them a standard issue boiler suit? Who does their laundry?

This is a really bad episode and Martha isn’t around enough.

It’s Thing from Addams Family!

“Hey remember when we made Old Man makeup for David Tenant? Remember how horrible it was? Let’s do it again with Freema!”

Ianto’s now a hacker.

Are we supposed to be okay that it’s killed eight people, but yet care about this one random child?

How did Martha get back to normal?

A Day in the Death

Owen telling a lady on the rooftop that he’s dead is pretty irresponsible.

I wouldn’t trust Jack.

Dead Boy is angry.

Teenagers and dead people, so angsty.

“Jack, you get to live forever, I get to die together.”

This is so over-dramatic!

Beating up someone is kinder than calling him and telling him his wife was in an accident and is in hospital.

Something Borrowed

My file was corrupted, I needed to rerip the DVD, but we’re back and ready to go.

Her bridesmaids are horrible.

That stripper was really fast. You need to make a show out of it. You’re not going to win any hearts like that.

Good thing Rhys knows about Torchwood, she can say why she’s pregnant.

Apparently Jesus was half-alien.

My bachelor party was a lot better.

What’s she going to say to her family when they ask about the baby?

She’s really telling her parents that she’s knocked up? What’s she going to do in a few weeks? “Oh, the baby is dead.”

That is a terrible wedding dress.

Yeah, shooting in the middle of a wedding, great idea.

You’re so creepy, Jack.

So if that ain’t Jack, and Gwen was going along, does that mean that Gwen thinks Jack loves her?

If they had done the whole assembling the gun thing and then had Rhys kill her with the chainsaw, that would have been so much better.

Well, they got married.

Jack, dress up for a wedding, jeez.

They wiped the memories of all the wedding guests, but someone died and nobody cares about it.

From Out of the Rain

Oh my! The film ghost shows up without the film.

I’m so bored with this episode already.

Wow, I actually laughed at that.

Bad Jack! Don’t sscare people from looking at old film reels, the BBC wants people to look at all the old film reels to try to find all the missing episodes of Doctor Who.

Adrift

I remember the resolution of this episode, but I don’t remember why.

Gwen and Rhys should get divorced, not have babies.

Why did she want to keep the negative spikes from everyone else at Torchwood, she doesn’t know that Jack is involved. She also has no assumptions, yet.

She doesn’t know what GPS is. It’s 2008. Was GPS that new?

Jack, you have these people in prison, that’s not cool. Your ends do not justify the means.

So he just screams for 20 hours?

This show is so bad.

Fragments

Don’t lock the wheels, that’s why we have ABS.

Well, they’re all dead, that was a quick episode

1300 odd deaths in only a couple of hundred years?

Fish man is back!

Is being queer a prerequisite for working at Torchwood Cardiff?

Oh, it’s everyone’s origin story.

This might be the best episode of the season.

I don’t believe UNIT is beyond human rights.

Look at Ianto’s belt! The studs!

His necklace!

At least he has a suit this time.

The pterodactyl looks so bad.

So Jack and Ianto were fucking from day one?

HAHAHAHA! The tentacle.

It’s Spike!

Exit Wounds

Why is he sending Rhys? Rhys? He has no training or knowledge of what’s going on. This is ridiculous.

Spike…

He’s not anti-bondage, he just wants consent.

Eye candy!

Why is Gwen believing Spike and not shooting him as soon as he stands up and starts advancing towards her?

Why did he rip his skin off and not wait for it to finish unbonding?

Gwen shouldn’t have stopped Ianto.

Oh shock, surprise! Grey locks them all in cells as they drag the weavels into there.

Dear nuclear physicist, don’t leave Owen alone, help him.

“Tosh, talk to me, I need your help, babe!” Did you really need the “babe?”

This stupid childish plot is really dumb.

Tosh and Owen are dead and I’m good with that.

Jack is an idiot and is keeping his brother alive and frozen. The dude is terrorist who killed hundreds? Thousands? Caused a nuclear power station to meltdown. The dude has no sense of good.

Doctor Who Story x – Torchwood series 1

Everything Changes

That theme is terrible.

Now that I’ve seen Gwen, I’m remembering how much I hate her boyfriend/husband/whatever.

Jack!

She’s holding a coffee, the dude, just asks if he can have it. “There’s no procedure any more, it’s a fucking disgrace.” Yeah, you’re right. Don’t take other people’s drinks.

Hahaha, Jack doesn’t know how to pronounce estrogen.

I’m watching a show with Susie in it, This Way Up. Watching it because of Aisling Bea. She’s great.

Ahh, there’s the terrible boyfriend/husband/whatever.

Gwen is weirdly hot in a white collared shirt and tie.

It was midday, why was there a bar fight at that time?

I bet her long hair down like that goes against her uniform code.

Hahaha! The spurting blood is great fun.

Why is that orderly wearing epaulettes?

She’s in a police car. Why isn’t she using her sirens.

Okay, in the episode of Confidential, that clip in the pizza place was longer, she ordered two “American feast” pizzas, large. I want to know what an American feast pizza is. Also, apparently Ianto calls down to Jack, this edit makes it seem like it’s his decision.

Forgot about the Pterodactyl.

That raising platform should have a safety rail.

Boyfriend, he’s a boyfriend.

Owen’s an asshole to use that spray. Though, the MMF threesome…

“Delete” doesn’t go under the “Edit” menu.

Jack, that’s a weird place to hangout.

Oh, Susie. :( Don’t kill Jack. Oh, Susie. :( Don’t kill yourself.

“One day I’ll find a Doctor, the right sort of Doctor.” You mean Jodie Whitaker?

Day One

Why would you run towards a meteor and bring your boyfriend with you?

“You got enough kit?” This show is so British.

Oh Jack, sexually harassing your staff.

Dear Security, you let her in so she could bone other people. You didn’t get any.

Dude needs to work on his stamina. Well, I guess it’s too late. He dust.

Why is Owen assuming a alien?

Security shouldn’t have a camera in the washroom.

Ianto’s the best.

“You’ve travelled here because you feed of orgasmic energy.” That’s the best sum up of this episode, and it shows that the writers know how terrible this is.

Apparently she had to do a little experiment before realizing she was straight.

Naked Owen is great.

I forgot Jack has the Doctor’s hand!

That montage of sexual adverts and Carys walking down the street was just a show of horniness.

Oh poor girl, she choose a gay dude.

Apparently fucking Jack is the ultimate bang.

Oh, her dust is pink.

Declassified

No matter the job, don’t throw sharp shit on your first day.

I missed the “boobies fondled.”

Ghost Machine

Don’t press that button, Gwen.

Why would you assume a ghost, Gwen?

That was convenient that that guy just said her full name. But then again, I guess it was convenient that the kid had his name stapled to himself.

“Human emotion is energy.”

That is not an appropriate place to put your hand, Jack. She’s your employee.

I think Gwen jizzed in her pants while practising her gun use.

Why is everyone still taking tech home? That’s irresponsible.

What are they going to do to Bernie? They’re not cops.

Jack was answering his cell phone and I shouted, “hey Jack, eyes on the road.” He’s in the UK, hes in the passenger side.

I forgot Owen’s a doctor.

Cyberwoman

Oh, we get the saga sell now.

Poor Ianto.

I think Ianto is up to something naughty.

Did he just grab her metal tit?

She’s gone full Cyber.

She has high heeled cyber boots?

The dinosaur fight is ridiculous. And amazing.

Pizza girl is getting deleted.

This is so bad.

Small Worlds

I don’t remember this episode, whatsoever.

Jack doesn’t look like he’s having a nightmare, he looks like he’s enjoying himself.

Why is Jack taking Gwen to his old lover?

I understand why I didn’t remember this one, it wasn’t worth remembering. Unlike “Cyberwoman,” which is so bad it’s fun, this is just boring.

Countrycide

Why would Gwen ask who everyone’s last snog was if she doesn’t want people to know thata Owen sexually assaulted her.

Also, why are they trying to make Owen and Gwen a thing. It’s gross because Owen is rapey and gross.

Why would they pair the office manager and the computer nerd. As the computer nerd, I’d be useless in the field.

Oh no! The murderer is a shoe collector!

Jack’s a bad leader.

*Evil laugh* *Makeout with your evil partner*

Tosh is bad at her job.

Voiceover!

Ugh, I forgot Gwen and Owen fucked.

Greeks Bearing Gifts

The saga sell for Torchwood sucks. Quantum Leap did it much better.

Owen’s an asshole.

Tosh is really bad at her job.

Aww, Ianto is so sad. She should have hugged him.

Also, Tosh is so sad. And Mary’s just a pusher.

What the fuck is with that transphobic speech.

They Keep Killing Suzie

Okay, so let me get this straight… Suzie knew she was going to go on a killing spree, and they would resurrect her. She programmed the base so that they would capture the dude, and he would then start chanting Dickinson. That would then put the base on lockdown. Somehow she knew Gwen would break her out, just in time for the base to go on lockdown, and then she’d be able to go around.

Jack runs funny.

So your boss just killed a former employee and nearly had another employee nearly die, so you think this is the right time to propose some sex games with a stopwatch?

Random Shoes

Wow, that was one of the worst episodes of television I’ve seen in a long time.

It starts off with a dead person narrating their story, and he has to tell us statistics. “The speed of light is…” It was so hokey and ridiculous.

Why did the dad leave? They never address it, but they act like they did address it.

He literally got pulled up to heaven.

Out of Time

This might be the best episode of Torchwood. That’s not saying much. But this is a really great “what if” story of people out of time1. While Owen’s still a creepy asshole and makes the story bad, his girlfriend, who should have been a lesbian pilot, is fantastic. I love the other two time travellers, too. Dude finding his son as an old man with Alzheimer’s is tragic. The young girl wanting to go to London is great.

I’m also finding on this watch, I don’t hate Reese, he’s actually a decent dude with a terrible girlfriend.

I don’t love the ending, Lesbian pilot should not have flown off into the rift, if she was going to do that, she should have at least given her mates an opportunity to join her, they have nothing to live for in the 21st century.

Combat

Apparently Mickey the Idiot wrote this episode.

Ahhh, Weavel Fight Club. This is one of the worst episodes of Torchwood. Where to start? Owen is a whiney bitch and I just don’t care about his feelings. He knew the girl for one week2. I don’t care about the B story, and Gwen being a terrible girlfriend, and Reese being a shitty boyfriend. I remember why I hated Reese, his “don’t you fucking go” comment at the restaurant. Not cool, dude.

Gwen drugs Reese and tells him that she’s been sleeping with Owen.

Also, throughout this entire episode, they act as if Torchwood has been treating the Weavels with respect. It’s a lie. They keep them imprisoned.

So this guy (Owen) has admitted he’s suicidal, tried death by Weavel, so Ianto just puts him in the cell with the weavel?

Captain Jack Harkness

A “Vote Saxon” poster. The first mention of the Master.

Woo! Time travel!

Real Jack is nice.

Owen asks who put Ianto in charge, and that’s a good question. Shouldn’t Gwen be in charge?

Jack really likes Jack.

Are Ianto and Owen going to kiss? They shouldn’t. Owen sucks.

Aww Jack kissed Nancy goodbye.

Are there no servicemen who look at a building’s electrical in the 60 years between World War I and Torchwood?

Tosh, that’s how you get tetanus.

Of course all the Jack Harknesses are queer.

End of Days

Holy shit, that was as terrible as terrible can be. So creepy caretaker from the previous episode wants Torchwood to open the rift to the fullest. So he murders Reese and then everyone rebels against Jack and reopens. Owen murders Jack. Jack is an asshole who treats his employees like garbage. Reese has the worst girlfriend of all time. Owen is a terrible doctor and is bad at keeping the whole rift thing a secret. The writers don’t understand how a pandemic works (watching from 2021). There’s a giant Godzilla and the only way to stop it is to have Jack let the beast feed on him. Gwen brings him back with a kiss. “Thank you.” Oh my god it’s so bad.

Finally, the TARDIS shows up in Torchwood HQ and takes Jack away? WTF.

  1. Get it? []
  2. It’s been… []