Tag Archives: Captain Jack Harkness

Doctor Who Story 181 – Gridlock

The Doctor is a jerk for taking Martha to New New York. You never pined for Jamie and he was the best companion.

I want some happy.

Martha’s quick to judge drug use while pregnant in the distant future. She doesn’t know how these drugs affect a baby in utero.

Kitty cat!

KITTIES!!!!

They shouldn’t write this homophobic cat in a way that makes us want to like him.

Oh yeah, I forgot the Macra were the baddies in this one.

They’re all singing, this is horrible.

The bat person makeup is horrible.

Think of all the exhaust coming up and going down and all those cars he’s opened up.

That highway cleared up really quickly.

So the Face of Boe says that he’s the last of his kind. Isn’t Jack human?

Doctor Who Story x – Torchwood series 1

Everything Changes

That theme is terrible.

Now that I’ve seen Gwen, I’m remembering how much I hate her boyfriend/husband/whatever.

Jack!

She’s holding a coffee, the dude, just asks if he can have it. “There’s no procedure any more, it’s a fucking disgrace.” Yeah, you’re right. Don’t take other people’s drinks.

Hahaha, Jack doesn’t know how to pronounce estrogen.

I’m watching a show with Susie in it, This Way Up. Watching it because of Aisling Bea. She’s great.

Ahh, there’s the terrible boyfriend/husband/whatever.

Gwen is weirdly hot in a white collared shirt and tie.

It was midday, why was there a bar fight at that time?

I bet her long hair down like that goes against her uniform code.

Hahaha! The spurting blood is great fun.

Why is that orderly wearing epaulettes?

She’s in a police car. Why isn’t she using her sirens.

Okay, in the episode of Confidential, that clip in the pizza place was longer, she ordered two “American feast” pizzas, large. I want to know what an American feast pizza is. Also, apparently Ianto calls down to Jack, this edit makes it seem like it’s his decision.

Forgot about the Pterodactyl.

That raising platform should have a safety rail.

Boyfriend, he’s a boyfriend.

Owen’s an asshole to use that spray. Though, the MMF threesome…

“Delete” doesn’t go under the “Edit” menu.

Jack, that’s a weird place to hangout.

Oh, Susie. :( Don’t kill Jack. Oh, Susie. :( Don’t kill yourself.

“One day I’ll find a Doctor, the right sort of Doctor.” You mean Jodie Whitaker?

Day One

Why would you run towards a meteor and bring your boyfriend with you?

“You got enough kit?” This show is so British.

Oh Jack, sexually harassing your staff.

Dear Security, you let her in so she could bone other people. You didn’t get any.

Dude needs to work on his stamina. Well, I guess it’s too late. He dust.

Why is Owen assuming a alien?

Security shouldn’t have a camera in the washroom.

Ianto’s the best.

“You’ve travelled here because you feed of orgasmic energy.” That’s the best sum up of this episode, and it shows that the writers know how terrible this is.

Apparently she had to do a little experiment before realizing she was straight.

Naked Owen is great.

I forgot Jack has the Doctor’s hand!

That montage of sexual adverts and Carys walking down the street was just a show of horniness.

Oh poor girl, she choose a gay dude.

Apparently fucking Jack is the ultimate bang.

Oh, her dust is pink.

Declassified

No matter the job, don’t throw sharp shit on your first day.

I missed the “boobies fondled.”

Ghost Machine

Don’t press that button, Gwen.

Why would you assume a ghost, Gwen?

That was convenient that that guy just said her full name. But then again, I guess it was convenient that the kid had his name stapled to himself.

“Human emotion is energy.”

That is not an appropriate place to put your hand, Jack. She’s your employee.

I think Gwen jizzed in her pants while practising her gun use.

Why is everyone still taking tech home? That’s irresponsible.

What are they going to do to Bernie? They’re not cops.

Jack was answering his cell phone and I shouted, “hey Jack, eyes on the road.” He’s in the UK, hes in the passenger side.

I forgot Owen’s a doctor.

Cyberwoman

Oh, we get the saga sell now.

Poor Ianto.

I think Ianto is up to something naughty.

Did he just grab her metal tit?

She’s gone full Cyber.

She has high heeled cyber boots?

The dinosaur fight is ridiculous. And amazing.

Pizza girl is getting deleted.

This is so bad.

Small Worlds

I don’t remember this episode, whatsoever.

Jack doesn’t look like he’s having a nightmare, he looks like he’s enjoying himself.

Why is Jack taking Gwen to his old lover?

I understand why I didn’t remember this one, it wasn’t worth remembering. Unlike “Cyberwoman,” which is so bad it’s fun, this is just boring.

Countrycide

Why would Gwen ask who everyone’s last snog was if she doesn’t want people to know thata Owen sexually assaulted her.

Also, why are they trying to make Owen and Gwen a thing. It’s gross because Owen is rapey and gross.

Why would they pair the office manager and the computer nerd. As the computer nerd, I’d be useless in the field.

Oh no! The murderer is a shoe collector!

Jack’s a bad leader.

*Evil laugh* *Makeout with your evil partner*

Tosh is bad at her job.

Voiceover!

Ugh, I forgot Gwen and Owen fucked.

Greeks Bearing Gifts

The saga sell for Torchwood sucks. Quantum Leap did it much better.

Owen’s an asshole.

Tosh is really bad at her job.

Aww, Ianto is so sad. She should have hugged him.

Also, Tosh is so sad. And Mary’s just a pusher.

What the fuck is with that transphobic speech.

They Keep Killing Suzie

Okay, so let me get this straight… Suzie knew she was going to go on a killing spree, and they would resurrect her. She programmed the base so that they would capture the dude, and he would then start chanting Dickinson. That would then put the base on lockdown. Somehow she knew Gwen would break her out, just in time for the base to go on lockdown, and then she’d be able to go around.

Jack runs funny.

So your boss just killed a former employee and nearly had another employee nearly die, so you think this is the right time to propose some sex games with a stopwatch?

Random Shoes

Wow, that was one of the worst episodes of television I’ve seen in a long time.

It starts off with a dead person narrating their story, and he has to tell us statistics. “The speed of light is…” It was so hokey and ridiculous.

Why did the dad leave? They never address it, but they act like they did address it.

He literally got pulled up to heaven.

Out of Time

This might be the best episode of Torchwood. That’s not saying much. But this is a really great “what if” story of people out of time1. While Owen’s still a creepy asshole and makes the story bad, his girlfriend, who should have been a lesbian pilot, is fantastic. I love the other two time travellers, too. Dude finding his son as an old man with Alzheimer’s is tragic. The young girl wanting to go to London is great.

I’m also finding on this watch, I don’t hate Reese, he’s actually a decent dude with a terrible girlfriend.

I don’t love the ending, Lesbian pilot should not have flown off into the rift, if she was going to do that, she should have at least given her mates an opportunity to join her, they have nothing to live for in the 21st century.

Combat

Apparently Mickey the Idiot wrote this episode.

Ahhh, Weavel Fight Club. This is one of the worst episodes of Torchwood. Where to start? Owen is a whiney bitch and I just don’t care about his feelings. He knew the girl for one week2. I don’t care about the B story, and Gwen being a terrible girlfriend, and Reese being a shitty boyfriend. I remember why I hated Reese, his “don’t you fucking go” comment at the restaurant. Not cool, dude.

Gwen drugs Reese and tells him that she’s been sleeping with Owen.

Also, throughout this entire episode, they act as if Torchwood has been treating the Weavels with respect. It’s a lie. They keep them imprisoned.

So this guy (Owen) has admitted he’s suicidal, tried death by Weavel, so Ianto just puts him in the cell with the weavel?

Captain Jack Harkness

A “Vote Saxon” poster. The first mention of the Master.

Woo! Time travel!

Real Jack is nice.

Owen asks who put Ianto in charge, and that’s a good question. Shouldn’t Gwen be in charge?

Jack really likes Jack.

Are Ianto and Owen going to kiss? They shouldn’t. Owen sucks.

Aww Jack kissed Nancy goodbye.

Are there no servicemen who look at a building’s electrical in the 60 years between World War I and Torchwood?

Tosh, that’s how you get tetanus.

Of course all the Jack Harknesses are queer.

End of Days

Holy shit, that was as terrible as terrible can be. So creepy caretaker from the previous episode wants Torchwood to open the rift to the fullest. So he murders Reese and then everyone rebels against Jack and reopens. Owen murders Jack. Jack is an asshole who treats his employees like garbage. Reese has the worst girlfriend of all time. Owen is a terrible doctor and is bad at keeping the whole rift thing a secret. The writers don’t understand how a pandemic works (watching from 2021). There’s a giant Godzilla and the only way to stop it is to have Jack let the beast feed on him. Gwen brings him back with a kiss. “Thank you.” Oh my god it’s so bad.

Finally, the TARDIS shows up in Torchwood HQ and takes Jack away? WTF.

  1. Get it? []
  2. It’s been… []

Doctor Who Story 168 – New Earth

Tardisode

Really? That’s what they’re calling the mini-episode? Bad name.

So this is an ad for a hospital. It adds nothing to the story. I think most will be like that.

Episode

I haven’t mentioned this before, but I’m so happy they got rid of face during the opening credits.

David Tennant seems so happy to be the Doctor.

Gross, don’t refer to your adventures as dates.

Cassandra is horrible. I’m surprised they brought her back.

“The lonely god…” I dislike this description of the Doctor.

Also, I think the writers are overestimating Rose’s attractiveness.

The Doctor is suspicious.

Cassandra switching between the Doctor and Rose is amazing.

He can cure everyone of everything, and then the cure passes by touch, so why were these people locked up in the first place?

How come past and future Cassandra can touch one another?

Confidential

I can’t believe that David Tennant was even considering saying no.

Doctor Who Story 166 – Bad Wolf/The Parting of the Ways

Bad Wolf

We’re only on the first season and we’ve already gone back to the Slitheen, Cardiff, and now Satellite 5.

The sound mix is terrible. I can’t hear the dialogue over the music. Big Brother seems terrible. Weakest Link is much better.

Captain Jack’s reality show is much better.

The boss from Peep Show is in this.

Tee hee, it was in his butt.

The Human race sitting on their butts not leaving home because it’s not safe sound familiar.

The Face of Boe gets a nod again.

I feel like it’s been a while in Doctor Who since we’ve seen transmats.

EXTERMINATE!

Confidential

There’s a dude in the Anne Droid costume!

Oh that’s happy! I didn’t know that Nicola Bryant and Peter Davison recorded their Big Finish stuff together. That’s really nice.

The Parting of the Ways

Aww, the Doctor saved Rose. Also, their relationship is creepy.

A nice bit of Time War info.

“DO NOT BLASPHEME!”

Aww, the Doctor is returning Rose to Earth and saying goodbye.

Okay, so the TARDIS makes a sound when it lands. Mickey comes running. You’d think that if the TARDIS was that loud that he can hear it from his house, then wouldn’t the TARDIS get swarmed by companions? Where’s Ace?

The whole “Bad Wolf” thing is terrible.

The death by Dalek is a terrible special effect, but somehow it’s weirdly creepy still.

The Anne Droid killing Daleks is wonderful!

The romance subplot between Rose and the Doctor is really inappropriate.

Oh, Rose killed all Daleks in existence. I guess we will never see them again.

The deus ex machina ending is so cheesy, and the Doctor kissing Rose to pull out the energy of the time vortex is VERY cheesy. BUT! It was a fun run with Eccleston. I really liked him in the role of the Doctor. But then David Tennant came and they’re off to Barcelona.

The Children In Need Special

So this bridges the gap between them heading to Barcelona and them crashing on Earth for the Christmas Invasion.

It’s not great, it is not needed, but it’s nice they did a little charity special.

Confidential

Russell T. Davies just said the Eccleston is excited that he was the one who pressed the button that wiped out the Doctor, but if that was the case, he should have come back for the reunion. Instead we had John Hurt.

Doctor Who Story 165 – Boom Town

Episode

Who at Doctor Who central, thought the Slitheen were so go they needed a follow up?

Why is the farting a thing?

The chase scene with the teleport is comic gold.

Jack is so excited about everything and it’s really nice.

Rose has bad taste in men.

Russell T. Davies’ era is so kinky.

This is surprisingly a fun episode.

Good on Mickey for going out with Tricia. Bad on Rose for saying mean things about her because she’s “a bit thick.”

Mickey, you’re right. It’s always going to be the Doctor. There’s no reason to scream at Rose, just realize that it’s over and move on. Rose should be open about it and just break up with him, rather than dragging him to Cardiff and dragging out this relationship.

Well, there’s some setup for the finale.

Rose saying Mickey deserves better is both true and sad, he does deserve better, but he’s also shit.

Confidential

It seems the Doctor Who writers think the Doctor is the one doing the killing.

What I’ve discovered is Confidential did a good job at introducing new viewers to classic Doctor Who.

Doctor Who Story 164 – The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances

The Empty Child

No recap, that’s good.

She uses Spock like it’s a verb. Maybe say “pull out a tricorder” not “give me some Spock,” unless she wants to get some action with Leonard Nimoy. He was still alive in 2005, it’s okay.

The Doctor talking to a cat is great, and I wish her new companion would be a cat. Not a sentient cat. Just an actual cat.

The girl who plays the sister/mother of the “are you my mummy” boy looks like she’s famous. I can’t place her face, I looked her up, she’s Florence Hoath and she hasn’t acted since 2008 and I have not seen anything else with her.

Jack’s first line being “excellent bottom” is very appropriate.

Rose is terrible at being anything other than a horny teenager.

Confidential

They just used a clip of Colin Baker that they used in another episode.

The Doctor Dances

This story is the first one written by Steven Moffat, other than “Curse of Fatal Death,” which obviously doesn’t count.

Eccleston makes a good “mummy.”

This story still stands up. Moffat was a great Doctor Who writer when he wasn’t in charge.

This very thinly veiled discussion about alien sex is way too thinly veiled.

“Everybody lives, just this once, everybody lives.” I know that was meant to be celebratory, but it sounds like a threat.

“My leg grew back. When I came to hospital, I had one leg.” “Well, there’s a war on, did you perhaps miscount?” I like Doctor Who. This is a story that makes me like Doctor Who.

Okay, big mistake. The Doctor says he can dance, and Rose sheepishly says that perhaps Jack would like this dance. The Doctor replies, “I’m sure he would.” He starts dancing with Rose. He should have started dancing with Jack.

Confidential

Nothing to write.

Doctor Who Story 158 – The End of the World

Episode

Oh, we get a “previously on.”

Eccleston’s hurt when Rose says, “you think you’re so impressive” is great.

Psychic paper makes its debut.

The Appearance of the Repeated Meme is really just an animated gif.

The giant jukebox being called an iPod is still a great joke.

Nice to have someone call out the Doctor on his lack of consent.

A suggestion to someone developing the operating system for an observation platform. If something is going to kill any living being, maybe make it require more than one button. Perhaps also have sensors to check if there’s an occupant.

There’s the first “bad wolf” mention.

Cassandra’s love of purity is not something I really want to watch, but at least Rose just had her best line, calling Cassandra a “bitchy trampoline.”

Jade was a great character and could have been a great companion.

For a man who doesn’t want to talk about who he is with Rose, he seems to get a kick out of being called a Time Lord.

The Doctor could have gone quicker and saved Jade.

“If you’re as clever as me, a teleportation field could be reversed.” He proceeds to rotate the dial.

Capital punishment really shouldn’t be an option for the Doctor. He had choices, he was in no immediate danger.

Confidential

What’s with the cheesy sexy music as the Doctor shows Rose the sun expanding.

Eccleston keeps calling the tree, Jabe. Not Jade. Looked it up and she is called Jabe. Wow, took me 16 years to learn this.

We had to make 200+ effect shots and we had 8 weeks, Gladiator had 100 shots and 9 months. Yeah… it looks it.

Colin Baker is taking about how the special effects were great for the time… compare it to Star Trek, which was 20 years prior to Baker’s era of Doctor Who.

Simon Pegg narrates this?