Tag Archives: Captain Jack Harkness

Doctor Who Story xx – Torchwood series 4: Miracle Day

The New World

Bill Pullman was terrible in that intro scene.

I thought I was done with Russell T. Davies’ obsession with talking head news reports. This season and one more season of Sarah Jane and then no more Davies.

Why is his lawyer not having this discussion with the guy from the Governor’s office? It’s a trap, Gwen.

Running away from Jack is always a good idea.

That’s a shitty doctor who wants to cut off someone’s head.

I don’t think the CIA can extradite Torchwood.

Rendition

Why the hell are Cardiff police helping?

So is he going to heal?

Wayne Knight is in this?

This CIA agent is terrible.

“We’re doing this wrong!” So she thinks they need to clear beds so they can ignore the serious cases, but that’s dumb because they’re in excruciating pain.

Is Bill Pullman a good actor? I didn’t think he was this bad.

It’s what’s her name from Psycho Beach Party!

This is such a ridiculous story.

The backwards head looks terrible.

Dead of Night

Why is Bill Pullman doing a Captain Kirk.

Why is he so mean to Officer Don?

Haha, Americans and British people are different.

That doctor is seriously violating her ethical standards by having sex with her patient.

Escape to L.A.

What is wrong with the world for turning Bill Pullman’s character into a celebrity and caring what he has to say?

More newscasters.

Rex and the doctor’s relationship is disgusting.

How is Rex still bleeding and making more blood? Does he have an infinite supply?

Those iPhones are so old.

People don’t leave a building when a fire alarm goes off.

The Categories of Life

“They just took control over life and death.” What does that mean?

Juarez is the name of the doctor.

Wait, you’re going back to Andy after he got you arrested by the CIA.

My partner has a theory that Andy is the only cop in Cardiff and that’s why he was so cranky when she quit, because before that there were two cops in Cardiff.

“Welcome to Torchwood.” “I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.” Oh, it’s bad, everyone in Torchwood dies.

These people are still conscious and yet they just shut the lights?

Well, Juarez is gonna die, or at least just bleed an infinite amount of blood.

Why the fuck is the soldier helping her?

I wish Rick Moranis was in this. He and Bill Pullman were great together.

They’re acting like this speech that Pullman is giving is moving or motivational. It isn’t.

The Middle Men

It’s Winston Zeddemore!

Good thing she just knew where the generator room is.

“You killed her!” “I’m sorry, it’s just been such a long day.”

Are there not patients in there? What the difference between them using the crematoriums and her blowing up the crematoriums. I guess single use is better than multi-use.

Immortal Sins

So did Jack give Angelo a visa to the United States because he had a boner for the guy?

This is a bit of a gross relationship between Angelo and Jack. Angelo is in Jack’s debt, it’s gross.

Jack casually thinking that Angelo sleeping with a schoolmaster is so gross and disgusting. I sometimes really hate this show. Davies’ writing is so bad and his understand of consent seems to be suspect.

I don’t care about this Jack in the ’20s story, yet it’s 90% of this episode.

Angelo, maybe don’t run, they’re willing to shoot Jack down for very little provocation, maybe you shouldn’t run. Also, run. Run for your life.

Colonel Kira!

So if Angelo is waiting for Jack… why did they go through this whole thing of kidnapping Gwen’s family. Just go and visit Jack and tell him. That was the stupidest episode I have ever seem before and I agree with the above gif, “Jesus fuck!”

End of the Road

“There’s no one with those names.” She finished her sentence. Why did you think something was wrong.

It’s Q!

You blew up Colonel Kira! Newman!

The Gathering

You can’t die from cigarettes in this world of no death, but you can indeed get cancer, and that would SUUUUUCK!

Everything is coming to a head, and none of it makes sense.

The Blood Line

The bead of blood rolling toward the Blessing is such bad effects.

They’re using “vine technology.”

Why are they and why is Andy still talking to one another.

Well that was handy that CIA lady got off the truck.

You can’t kill someone who is omnipotent.

Is Rex now Jack level immortal?

Oh, he is.

Web of Lies

Aww, they mentioned Tosh.

They really cheaped out on the animation, and it shows.

The design of the animation is also really bad.

HAHAHAHAHA! “Oh my god, he actually programmed this thing to self-destruct.” The dialogue is so bad.

Well, that’s the end of Torchwood. I’m not sad. It was overdue.

Doctor Who Story 202 – The End of Time

Dreamland

A decent story about Area 51 would be nice, but I don’t think this is it. But it’s nice that David and Georgia got to work together again. I assume they were a couple by this point.

The Doctor making Die Hard and Alien references is great.

I wouldn’t mind the Doctor having an indigenous companion.

Uh oh, the military is controlled by an alien.

This animation style makes David Tennant look sickly.

There’s too many groups in this story. The US military, the Roswell Greys, the insects, the swarm, the robots.

People pick up the TARDIS way too easily.

Doctor, don’t set up other people with your wife. Well, unless you’re into that, you kinky bastard.

The End of Time Part One

Ahhh, it starts with narration, always a terrible sign.

Wilf!!!

People are stupid if they are trying to resurrect the Master.

They’re really playing the Master as too insane. It’s not enjoyable.

The narration is horrible. Sorry Mr. Bond.

What’s with the Master wanting to eat people? Also, I feel sorry for John Simm and all these shots of him eating.

This father daughter duo are gross. Like Trump and his daughter.

That’s a good hallway for the Doctor to run in.

More talking heads on news programs.

Boo! Wilfred is now trapped.

The head shaking special effect is so bad. Though most of this story is so bad.

“There is only the Master race.” Dude, I don’t think you know what that means.

“For Gallifrey!”

The End of Time Part Two

I really wish David Tennant’s ending wasn’t so bad, but at least I have tasty quiche.

It’s so strange that the lords of time resort to prophesy.

I don’t believe that 7 billion Masters would defer authority to the original one. I think you’d have fun chaos.

“He loves playing with Earth girls.” Well, “Earth Girls Are Easy.”

Why does the Doctor have such a huge hard on for the Master?

God, this show is so bad! James Bond throws a diamond from his place in this time lock at a picture of Earth and it just shows up on Earth?

What’s with sci-fi and senates and big open pits and balconies over it?

Remember when the Doctor fell from a tower and regenerated into Peter Davison? And now he can just jump out of a spaceship and crash to the floor?

The Master I know loves being the Master. I can’t believe that he’s so upset about being who he is. Also, Gallifrey is huge.

The Doctor is a bit cruel to Wilfred.

Honestly, the Doctor should leave him. Have him dictate a note to the Doctor for his daughter and Donna. Probably separate notes.

I can’t believe that made Mickey and Martha get married. They are so bad.

David Tennant’s Doctor is always so sad. It will be really nice to have a less sad Doctor.

It is nice to see all the Doctor’s companions one final time.

Hello Matt Smith, Goodbye David Tennant.

Doctor Who Story xx – Torchwood: Children of Earth

Tonight’s The Night

This is a mini-episode of Doctor Who that aired between “Planet of the Dead” and series 3 of Torchwood. Since it’s Jack in the TARDIS, I’m going to lump it in with Torchwood.

That was terrible, until David Tennant showed up.

Day One

It’s Malcolm fucking Tucker! Aka, the Doctor!

Rhys is always an asshole, even to children.

Does everyone in Cardiff know about Torchwood and what they do?

Those people in a hospital not wearing masks is wrong. I’m too surrounded by COVID.

The laser sutures should be commercialized.

Someone’s in Vancouver. Vancouver is great.

Would be so much better if Martha was able to be in the episode.

The new doctor1 reminds me of Matt Smith.

We. We. We. I need a wee!

If that happened at my place of employment, all the children stopping, screaming, saying “we are coming” over and over again, then them all resuming as normal, I honestly don’t think I’d blink an eye. Kids do weird things. Good thing Torchwood, UNIT, and Peter Capaldi are on the case.

“We need a child,” Jack, don’t say that to Ianto if you won’t admit you’re a couple.

Aww, it’s Jack’s daughter.

Jack is a complete asshole, asking his daughter to take his grandson for experimenting. Ianto and his niece.

Ianto’s brother in law’s a piece of shit.

Doesn’t the Torchwood car have a GPS?

Don’t give out your username and password. I really hope the civil service at the Home Office would know that, especially the secretary for the top civil servant (Deputy Minister? That’s what we would call that position in Canada. I think it’s Permanent Secretary in the United Kingdom after some very quick Googling) of the Home Office.

So more people have these laser sutures?

See, he gasps for air when he is resurrected, why didn’t he do that in Doctor Who?

Gwen should not have a baby!

Jack has a bomb in his belly. Cliffhanger time!

Capaldi is so sad.

Day Two

I don’t like this Prime Minister. He’s not willing to take responsibility, he’s more concerned about his job than he is about doing the right thing.

I didn’t notice last episode that there’s no opening credits anymore.

How did Gwen survive that sniper? Now I’m wondering how Ianto is surviving it.

Second reference to Canada.

Why are people honking at children stopped when they know this is not just kids hanging out and having a lark.

How did Ianto get that concrete block out of the building? That doesn’t really make sense

Day Three

I thought Jack would be into tracksuit bottoms.

God! Russell Davies, stop with the news broadcasts!

Why would someone leave their kids with a couple of people who just had police barge into their house with guns. I wouldn’t do that.

Why did you step out of your car to take a phone call and leave the keys in the ignition?

Jack’s daughter is an idiot.

Jack should change his outfit. Seriously, it’s time to stop wearing that stupid outfit.

I think they think Torchwood are the good guys, they’re not.

The 456 needs to learn to use their words. “Speak” “I am speaking” “We will speak” Why the fuck didn’t you just say that?

It makes no sense for civil servants to negotiate, and if the US government wants the president there, they can approve the room with haste.

He says “the Provinces and Territories of Canada” as if that’s the name of Canada. It’s simply Canada. Third mention in three episodes.

Day Four

12 children for millions of lives seems reasonable.

Ianto, he’s lived hundreds of years, you expect him to tell you everything he’s done?

Jack’s daughter reminds me of the actress who played Susan, Carole Ann Ford, in Doctor Who.

This is a big enough issue, Martha might be on her honeymoon (if UNIT hasn’t recalled her already) and she has the Doctor’s phone number. Call him.

“Thanks everyone, let’s take a break.” I don’t think that’s a time to take a break.

What did Jack really expect. The aliens had biological warfare, there’s only one on Earth and they have no idea where the rest are. How are they possibly going to fight? Jack is 100% responsible for Ianto’s death, plus all the other deaths in Thames House.

Day Five

Oh, I remember what the children hooked up to the aliens look like, the Toclafane.

The US government has no authority to override the UK government on UK soil.

UNIT sends a colonel to talk to the 456, and not a General? Or even the Brigadier?

Really? It’s about drugs? Yikes.

Why are they telling all this information to Alice?

The “nice kids are safe.” I don’t think they understand how systematic racism would be a part of this and I think “Children of Earth” really really loses a lot because it doesn’t address this.

Keep your vest on, Officer Andy!

Alice, don’t leave your child with a stranger in these times!

This was a horrible resolution to this story.

Governments the world over should fall because of what they did. The UK government at the very least. It had gone much too far for status quo to continue.

The careers of Doctor Who prime ministers is very short.

“You can not run away.” “Yes I can, just watch me.” There’s another reference to Canada.

  1. Not that kind of doctor []

Doctor Who Story 198 – The Stolen Earth & Journey’s End

The Stolen Earth

The milkman looks like Spike. Are there still milkmen in Britain?

Someone stole Earth.

Martha!

Wilf is the best companion.

Good news, Rose is there to save the day!

They all got into the opening credits, that’s nice.

Russell Davies loves newscasters.

Really? This is what she bothers with? The Earth has been moved and spaceships are en route, and she’s worrying about looters?

Jealous Ianto.

Martha is on a bluetooth headset with Jack, yet the general she’s conversing with in person hears Jack telling her not to do it.

Wilfred with the paintball gun is fun.

“Do you have a webcam?” “She wouldn’t let me, says they’re naughty.”

Jack flirting with Sarah Jane is the best.

Oh, Harriet Jones. :(

“Everyone but Rose,” and Susan, and Ian, and Barbara, and Vicki, and Steven, and Katarina, and Dodo, and Ben, and Polly…

Your chest cavity being open like that seems like it would be prone to infection.

Take them with you, Jack, the Daleks are coming for Torchwood!

Wilf, don’t call Rose “sweetheart.”

The Dalek shot the Doctor!

The Doctor fake regenerating is a big fuck you to fans.

Journey’s End

Mickey and Jackie saving Sarah Jane is ridiculous, but I approve.

As if Tosh can make a time bubble as a defence for Torchwood.

Mickey kissing his gun is gold.

German Daleks are the best.

“Stop it! She’s my friend!” Do Daleks really care about friendship?

Dead Jack’s wink is great. It’s really convenient that this is the one time he is resurrected without a big gulp of air.

If you just want to atomize these people, just use a transporter.

“We will become the only lifeforms in existence.” Imagine how bored you would be as a Dalek if there’s no one to kill.

I like that Davros recognizes Sarah Jane.

I bet you he saves everyone.

The TARDIS towing Earth back home, is ridiculous.

Donna and Jack should bone.

I forgot that Mickey stays on Earth Prime.

This is horrible. “Genocidal manic, please rehabilitate him, Rose, and feel free to boink.”

She’s very much saying no, screaming no, demanding no. He could just let her die. Dying might be better than living without those memories.

Doctor Who Story xx – Torchwood series 2

Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang

I’ve gotta say, the old lady saying “Bloody Torchwood,” might be my favourite part of the series.

SPIKE!

He breezed into that bar.

Gwen needs to tell Jack that he needs to be honest with her if she’s ever going to trust him again.

Oh fuck you, Jack! Stop telling people that your history doesn’t matter.

The stupid western vibe is ridiculous, but I enjoy it.

Glad Doctor Who has some good make-outs, thanks to Torchwood.

Oh, Ianto is having none of Jack’s bullshit. Maybe not, he did accept his date.

Aww, he killed Jack. :(

Is it good to throw a bomb into the rift? Could that not cause other problems?

“No hard feelings, well, not in that sense.” Who writes this shit?

Sleeper

Stop saying “the doctor” when you don’t mean “the Doctor.”

Owen’s an asshole.

You should not be casual about a hospital losing power.

“I know who she is and why she’s here.” Maybe you should fill your team in.

Why is Owen tending to his plants during a company meeting?

Just leaving her baby and letting it roll into traffic.

To The Last Man

Once again, Tosh comes across as a creepy lady.

The lady who saw Gwen in the hospital is great.

How old is Tosh if a 24 year old is too young for her?

Ianto and Jack making out!

Season 2 is a definitely drop in quality.

Meat

Oh, Rhys, such a lad.

Now I feel sad for Rhys.

Jack, she’s your underling. Don’t talk to alien blowjobs.

Yeah, show Rhys everything and show him how bad you are at health standards.

Tosh needs to move on from Owen.

“Team meeting,” he proclaims while they’re in the middle of a team meeting.

This episode reminds me of the horse meat episode of Due South.

Adam

It’s a Torchwood episode about me.

Well, that’s a creepy memory to implant and make Tosh snog him.

Somehow he’s changed Owen’s personality 100%.

Don’t date someone in Torchwood.

Owen is a nerd!

Poor Ianto.

“No pride. No warmth.” Jack, do you feel that for Tosh?

Reset

Stop, Martha Time!

That first person POV, ugh.

Martha is working with UNIT, apparently.

I’d so much rather they keep Martha than Owen.

This is a really bad episode.

“What’s his dabbling like?” “Innovative. Bordering on avant-garde.”

Those security guards are bad at their jobs.

I wouldn’t trust Owen with that.

Oh Jack, you asshole, you’re keeping Weavels captive and using them to torture human prisoners to get information.

Now if only they’d keep Owen dead…

Dead Man Walking

What the hell is with that child tarot card reader?

So there are a lot more weavels than we thought and they are just hanging out in Cardiff? So why do they trap some?

This is so bad.

Do they just visit every weavel from after they arrive in Cardiff and give them a standard issue boiler suit? Who does their laundry?

This is a really bad episode and Martha isn’t around enough.

It’s Thing from Addams Family!

“Hey remember when we made Old Man makeup for David Tenant? Remember how horrible it was? Let’s do it again with Freema!”

Ianto’s now a hacker.

Are we supposed to be okay that it’s killed eight people, but yet care about this one random child?

How did Martha get back to normal?

A Day in the Death

Owen telling a lady on the rooftop that he’s dead is pretty irresponsible.

I wouldn’t trust Jack.

Dead Boy is angry.

Teenagers and dead people, so angsty.

“Jack, you get to live forever, I get to die together.”

This is so over-dramatic!

Beating up someone is kinder than calling him and telling him his wife was in an accident and is in hospital.

Something Borrowed

My file was corrupted, I needed to rerip the DVD, but we’re back and ready to go.

Her bridesmaids are horrible.

That stripper was really fast. You need to make a show out of it. You’re not going to win any hearts like that.

Good thing Rhys knows about Torchwood, she can say why she’s pregnant.

Apparently Jesus was half-alien.

My bachelor party was a lot better.

What’s she going to say to her family when they ask about the baby?

She’s really telling her parents that she’s knocked up? What’s she going to do in a few weeks? “Oh, the baby is dead.”

That is a terrible wedding dress.

Yeah, shooting in the middle of a wedding, great idea.

You’re so creepy, Jack.

So if that ain’t Jack, and Gwen was going along, does that mean that Gwen thinks Jack loves her?

If they had done the whole assembling the gun thing and then had Rhys kill her with the chainsaw, that would have been so much better.

Well, they got married.

Jack, dress up for a wedding, jeez.

They wiped the memories of all the wedding guests, but someone died and nobody cares about it.

From Out of the Rain

Oh my! The film ghost shows up without the film.

I’m so bored with this episode already.

Wow, I actually laughed at that.

Bad Jack! Don’t sscare people from looking at old film reels, the BBC wants people to look at all the old film reels to try to find all the missing episodes of Doctor Who.

Adrift

I remember the resolution of this episode, but I don’t remember why.

Gwen and Rhys should get divorced, not have babies.

Why did she want to keep the negative spikes from everyone else at Torchwood, she doesn’t know that Jack is involved. She also has no assumptions, yet.

She doesn’t know what GPS is. It’s 2008. Was GPS that new?

Jack, you have these people in prison, that’s not cool. Your ends do not justify the means.

So he just screams for 20 hours?

This show is so bad.

Fragments

Don’t lock the wheels, that’s why we have ABS.

Well, they’re all dead, that was a quick episode

1300 odd deaths in only a couple of hundred years?

Fish man is back!

Is being queer a prerequisite for working at Torchwood Cardiff?

Oh, it’s everyone’s origin story.

This might be the best episode of the season.

I don’t believe UNIT is beyond human rights.

Look at Ianto’s belt! The studs!

His necklace!

At least he has a suit this time.

The pterodactyl looks so bad.

So Jack and Ianto were fucking from day one?

HAHAHAHA! The tentacle.

It’s Spike!

Exit Wounds

Why is he sending Rhys? Rhys? He has no training or knowledge of what’s going on. This is ridiculous.

Spike…

He’s not anti-bondage, he just wants consent.

Eye candy!

Why is Gwen believing Spike and not shooting him as soon as he stands up and starts advancing towards her?

Why did he rip his skin off and not wait for it to finish unbonding?

Gwen shouldn’t have stopped Ianto.

Oh shock, surprise! Grey locks them all in cells as they drag the weavels into there.

Dear nuclear physicist, don’t leave Owen alone, help him.

“Tosh, talk to me, I need your help, babe!” Did you really need the “babe?”

This stupid childish plot is really dumb.

Tosh and Owen are dead and I’m good with that.

Jack is an idiot and is keeping his brother alive and frozen. The dude is terrorist who killed hundreds? Thousands? Caused a nuclear power station to meltdown. The dude has no sense of good.

Doctor Who Story 187 – Utopia/The Sound of Drums/Last of the Time Lords

Utopia

Jack gripping onto the TARDIS screaming “DOCTOR!” Is great.

Chantho is a terrible concept.

David Tennant’s gleeful smile at the thought of exploring this world is the best.

I love Martha and Jack together.

Still using projectile weapons at the end of the universe.

The Professor seems to recognize the TARDIS.

The Doctor can be angry, too angry.

God, the flashing of Y-A-N-A is horrible.

I really like Derek Jacobi as the Master.

The Sound of Drums

I don’t think Russell Davies understands how parliamentary democracies work.

John Simm’s scowl face is perfection.

The comical time bomb attached to the TV is so Looney Tunes.

That was a lot of bouncing bullets for a tiny car.

John Simm is perfection!

Jack also having a crush on the Doctor is great.

Wait, when Missy was a lady and the Doctor was Peter Capaldi, why didn’t they fuck and procreate and repopulate the Time Lord species?

“Jelly baby?”

President-Elect? And he gets to fly on Air Force One?

Oh, the old man make up…

Last of the Time Lords

Martha Jones is indeed a bit of a legend.

“I’m traveling with a doctor.” GET IT???? GET IT????

This is the campest episode of the campest show.

Oh Martha, it’s been a year, give up on your silly crush. Help the Doctor and the world, but don’t think of him as a potential boyfriend.

ONE POINT TWENTY-ONE JIGGAWATTS!

The super old, tiny Doctor in a birdcage is horrible.

Oh god, the resolution of this episode is so bad.

The Doctor is vengeful, and yet he forgive the Master who killed so much of humanity.

I think the resolution of this story might be the lowest point in Doctor Who history. What the fuck was Russell Davies thinking?

Doctor Who Story 181 – Gridlock

The Doctor is a jerk for taking Martha to New New York. You never pined for Jamie and he was the best companion.

I want some happy.

Martha’s quick to judge drug use while pregnant in the distant future. She doesn’t know how these drugs affect a baby in utero.

Kitty cat!

KITTIES!!!!

They shouldn’t write this homophobic cat in a way that makes us want to like him.

Oh yeah, I forgot the Macra were the baddies in this one.

They’re all singing, this is horrible.

The bat person makeup is horrible.

Think of all the exhaust coming up and going down and all those cars he’s opened up.

That highway cleared up really quickly.

So the Face of Boe says that he’s the last of his kind. Isn’t Jack human?

Doctor Who Story x – Torchwood series 1

Everything Changes

That theme is terrible.

Now that I’ve seen Gwen, I’m remembering how much I hate her boyfriend/husband/whatever.

Jack!

She’s holding a coffee, the dude, just asks if he can have it. “There’s no procedure any more, it’s a fucking disgrace.” Yeah, you’re right. Don’t take other people’s drinks.

Hahaha, Jack doesn’t know how to pronounce estrogen.

I’m watching a show with Susie in it, This Way Up. Watching it because of Aisling Bea. She’s great.

Ahh, there’s the terrible boyfriend/husband/whatever.

Gwen is weirdly hot in a white collared shirt and tie.

It was midday, why was there a bar fight at that time?

I bet her long hair down like that goes against her uniform code.

Hahaha! The spurting blood is great fun.

Why is that orderly wearing epaulettes?

She’s in a police car. Why isn’t she using her sirens.

Okay, in the episode of Confidential, that clip in the pizza place was longer, she ordered two “American feast” pizzas, large. I want to know what an American feast pizza is. Also, apparently Ianto calls down to Jack, this edit makes it seem like it’s his decision.

Forgot about the Pterodactyl.

That raising platform should have a safety rail.

Boyfriend, he’s a boyfriend.

Owen’s an asshole to use that spray. Though, the MMF threesome…

“Delete” doesn’t go under the “Edit” menu.

Jack, that’s a weird place to hangout.

Oh, Susie. :( Don’t kill Jack. Oh, Susie. :( Don’t kill yourself.

“One day I’ll find a Doctor, the right sort of Doctor.” You mean Jodie Whitaker?

Day One

Why would you run towards a meteor and bring your boyfriend with you?

“You got enough kit?” This show is so British.

Oh Jack, sexually harassing your staff.

Dear Security, you let her in so she could bone other people. You didn’t get any.

Dude needs to work on his stamina. Well, I guess it’s too late. He dust.

Why is Owen assuming a alien?

Security shouldn’t have a camera in the washroom.

Ianto’s the best.

“You’ve travelled here because you feed of orgasmic energy.” That’s the best sum up of this episode, and it shows that the writers know how terrible this is.

Apparently she had to do a little experiment before realizing she was straight.

Naked Owen is great.

I forgot Jack has the Doctor’s hand!

That montage of sexual adverts and Carys walking down the street was just a show of horniness.

Oh poor girl, she choose a gay dude.

Apparently fucking Jack is the ultimate bang.

Oh, her dust is pink.

Declassified

No matter the job, don’t throw sharp shit on your first day.

I missed the “boobies fondled.”

Ghost Machine

Don’t press that button, Gwen.

Why would you assume a ghost, Gwen?

That was convenient that that guy just said her full name. But then again, I guess it was convenient that the kid had his name stapled to himself.

“Human emotion is energy.”

That is not an appropriate place to put your hand, Jack. She’s your employee.

I think Gwen jizzed in her pants while practising her gun use.

Why is everyone still taking tech home? That’s irresponsible.

What are they going to do to Bernie? They’re not cops.

Jack was answering his cell phone and I shouted, “hey Jack, eyes on the road.” He’s in the UK, hes in the passenger side.

I forgot Owen’s a doctor.

Cyberwoman

Oh, we get the saga sell now.

Poor Ianto.

I think Ianto is up to something naughty.

Did he just grab her metal tit?

She’s gone full Cyber.

She has high heeled cyber boots?

The dinosaur fight is ridiculous. And amazing.

Pizza girl is getting deleted.

This is so bad.

Small Worlds

I don’t remember this episode, whatsoever.

Jack doesn’t look like he’s having a nightmare, he looks like he’s enjoying himself.

Why is Jack taking Gwen to his old lover?

I understand why I didn’t remember this one, it wasn’t worth remembering. Unlike “Cyberwoman,” which is so bad it’s fun, this is just boring.

Countrycide

Why would Gwen ask who everyone’s last snog was if she doesn’t want people to know thata Owen sexually assaulted her.

Also, why are they trying to make Owen and Gwen a thing. It’s gross because Owen is rapey and gross.

Why would they pair the office manager and the computer nerd. As the computer nerd, I’d be useless in the field.

Oh no! The murderer is a shoe collector!

Jack’s a bad leader.

*Evil laugh* *Makeout with your evil partner*

Tosh is bad at her job.

Voiceover!

Ugh, I forgot Gwen and Owen fucked.

Greeks Bearing Gifts

The saga sell for Torchwood sucks. Quantum Leap did it much better.

Owen’s an asshole.

Tosh is really bad at her job.

Aww, Ianto is so sad. She should have hugged him.

Also, Tosh is so sad. And Mary’s just a pusher.

What the fuck is with that transphobic speech.

They Keep Killing Suzie

Okay, so let me get this straight… Suzie knew she was going to go on a killing spree, and they would resurrect her. She programmed the base so that they would capture the dude, and he would then start chanting Dickinson. That would then put the base on lockdown. Somehow she knew Gwen would break her out, just in time for the base to go on lockdown, and then she’d be able to go around.

Jack runs funny.

So your boss just killed a former employee and nearly had another employee nearly die, so you think this is the right time to propose some sex games with a stopwatch?

Random Shoes

Wow, that was one of the worst episodes of television I’ve seen in a long time.

It starts off with a dead person narrating their story, and he has to tell us statistics. “The speed of light is…” It was so hokey and ridiculous.

Why did the dad leave? They never address it, but they act like they did address it.

He literally got pulled up to heaven.

Out of Time

This might be the best episode of Torchwood. That’s not saying much. But this is a really great “what if” story of people out of time1. While Owen’s still a creepy asshole and makes the story bad, his girlfriend, who should have been a lesbian pilot, is fantastic. I love the other two time travellers, too. Dude finding his son as an old man with Alzheimer’s is tragic. The young girl wanting to go to London is great.

I’m also finding on this watch, I don’t hate Reese, he’s actually a decent dude with a terrible girlfriend.

I don’t love the ending, Lesbian pilot should not have flown off into the rift, if she was going to do that, she should have at least given her mates an opportunity to join her, they have nothing to live for in the 21st century.

Combat

Apparently Mickey the Idiot wrote this episode.

Ahhh, Weavel Fight Club. This is one of the worst episodes of Torchwood. Where to start? Owen is a whiney bitch and I just don’t care about his feelings. He knew the girl for one week2. I don’t care about the B story, and Gwen being a terrible girlfriend, and Reese being a shitty boyfriend. I remember why I hated Reese, his “don’t you fucking go” comment at the restaurant. Not cool, dude.

Gwen drugs Reese and tells him that she’s been sleeping with Owen.

Also, throughout this entire episode, they act as if Torchwood has been treating the Weavels with respect. It’s a lie. They keep them imprisoned.

So this guy (Owen) has admitted he’s suicidal, tried death by Weavel, so Ianto just puts him in the cell with the weavel?

Captain Jack Harkness

A “Vote Saxon” poster. The first mention of the Master.

Woo! Time travel!

Real Jack is nice.

Owen asks who put Ianto in charge, and that’s a good question. Shouldn’t Gwen be in charge?

Jack really likes Jack.

Are Ianto and Owen going to kiss? They shouldn’t. Owen sucks.

Aww Jack kissed Nancy goodbye.

Are there no servicemen who look at a building’s electrical in the 60 years between World War I and Torchwood?

Tosh, that’s how you get tetanus.

Of course all the Jack Harknesses are queer.

End of Days

Holy shit, that was as terrible as terrible can be. So creepy caretaker from the previous episode wants Torchwood to open the rift to the fullest. So he murders Reese and then everyone rebels against Jack and reopens. Owen murders Jack. Jack is an asshole who treats his employees like garbage. Reese has the worst girlfriend of all time. Owen is a terrible doctor and is bad at keeping the whole rift thing a secret. The writers don’t understand how a pandemic works (watching from 2021). There’s a giant Godzilla and the only way to stop it is to have Jack let the beast feed on him. Gwen brings him back with a kiss. “Thank you.” Oh my god it’s so bad.

Finally, the TARDIS shows up in Torchwood HQ and takes Jack away? WTF.

  1. Get it? []
  2. It’s been… []

Doctor Who Story 168 – New Earth

Tardisode

Really? That’s what they’re calling the mini-episode? Bad name.

So this is an ad for a hospital. It adds nothing to the story. I think most will be like that.

Episode

I haven’t mentioned this before, but I’m so happy they got rid of face during the opening credits.

David Tennant seems so happy to be the Doctor.

Gross, don’t refer to your adventures as dates.

Cassandra is horrible. I’m surprised they brought her back.

“The lonely god…” I dislike this description of the Doctor.

Also, I think the writers are overestimating Rose’s attractiveness.

The Doctor is suspicious.

Cassandra switching between the Doctor and Rose is amazing.

He can cure everyone of everything, and then the cure passes by touch, so why were these people locked up in the first place?

How come past and future Cassandra can touch one another?

Confidential

I can’t believe that David Tennant was even considering saying no.

Doctor Who Story 166 – Bad Wolf/The Parting of the Ways

Bad Wolf

We’re only on the first season and we’ve already gone back to the Slitheen, Cardiff, and now Satellite 5.

The sound mix is terrible. I can’t hear the dialogue over the music. Big Brother seems terrible. Weakest Link is much better.

Captain Jack’s reality show is much better.

The boss from Peep Show is in this.

Tee hee, it was in his butt.

The Human race sitting on their butts not leaving home because it’s not safe sound familiar.

The Face of Boe gets a nod again.

I feel like it’s been a while in Doctor Who since we’ve seen transmats.

EXTERMINATE!

Confidential

There’s a dude in the Anne Droid costume!

Oh that’s happy! I didn’t know that Nicola Bryant and Peter Davison recorded their Big Finish stuff together. That’s really nice.

The Parting of the Ways

Aww, the Doctor saved Rose. Also, their relationship is creepy.

A nice bit of Time War info.

“DO NOT BLASPHEME!”

Aww, the Doctor is returning Rose to Earth and saying goodbye.

Okay, so the TARDIS makes a sound when it lands. Mickey comes running. You’d think that if the TARDIS was that loud that he can hear it from his house, then wouldn’t the TARDIS get swarmed by companions? Where’s Ace?

The whole “Bad Wolf” thing is terrible.

The death by Dalek is a terrible special effect, but somehow it’s weirdly creepy still.

The Anne Droid killing Daleks is wonderful!

The romance subplot between Rose and the Doctor is really inappropriate.

Oh, Rose killed all Daleks in existence. I guess we will never see them again.

The deus ex machina ending is so cheesy, and the Doctor kissing Rose to pull out the energy of the time vortex is VERY cheesy. BUT! It was a fun run with Eccleston. I really liked him in the role of the Doctor. But then David Tennant came and they’re off to Barcelona.

The Children In Need Special

So this bridges the gap between them heading to Barcelona and them crashing on Earth for the Christmas Invasion.

It’s not great, it is not needed, but it’s nice they did a little charity special.

Confidential

Russell T. Davies just said the Eccleston is excited that he was the one who pressed the button that wiped out the Doctor, but if that was the case, he should have come back for the reunion. Instead we had John Hurt.